change!

Dengan kekuatan Tuhan akan kuubah diriku!!

This is my nearly-half-year resolution! That is to CHANGE! from my silly old-way of thinking. Just to share a bit bout my background (my emotional / logical background). I used to always think that to be a good person i need to always suffer. Have you read those passages in the Bible that says "Christians must take up their cross" ? Well, if i was reading that few weeks ago i would take it literally. Meaning, that everyday i would inflict self-pain (not physical but mental pain). I would say to myself (a few weeks ago) that To be true Christians i HAVE to be willing to be shaped by the people around me, even if it means killing my own uniqueness or personality or anything that i have. I would say a few weeks ago, my prayer would consist of "God I'm sorry for...." (NOT SAYING that that is wrong! NEVER think that it's wrong! It's VERY important to always repent! We are sinful REGARDLESS of what we think) but my prayer was more than just God I'm sorry for sinning... it's more like "God I'm sorry if i'm such a disappointment- sorry for existing- sorry for always failing - sorry for being me- sorry for being BORN!" it was a prayer of constant self-pity, and in a way INSULTs to God, for that I kept on saying that God wasn't able enough to make me beautiful and good.

Those of you who know me might think "that's silly, you never think like that!" Well... now you know, i do think like that (used to)

but BLESSFULLY thankfully, I am blessed. I am supercalifragilisticexpialidosciously blessed. Blessed with grace, with mercy and most of all blessed with having this knowledge of this Wonderful Mighty Powerful Loving GOD.

Lately, God taught me TOO MANY wonderful things. It's too wonderful that often i'm too scared to take it (because I always think that i'm not allowed to take anything good for myself). But now I am learning to enjoy my blessings and in that enjoyment i pray that I might be able to share it even more with others.

I realised that this constant torture of pitying myself and feeling guilty about myself should STOP. I am trying and praying and PRAYING to change. nothing in my hand i bring, nothing that i have is mine, nothing that i do changes me (that's my new theology) It's never from me to begin with... God gave it to us so we can enjoy Him and Him enjoy us. How can God enjoy us if we constantly saying to God that we are so BADLY made!? (need to always remind myself of this)

So yeah... I want to change! I want to start ENJOYING God and all His goodness!

I no longer am scared of critics for that i know some are genuinely good and some are just plain bad and worthless to even notice. So for the bad ones - it's so worthless why do i have to care about it?!

I no longer going to apologise for the wrong that i didn't do and start answering those bad comments with ACTIONS rather than words. And if the situation calls for words, I would explain myself rather than apologising.

I no longer going to accept insults, and if i do receive one, i would clarify with the insult-er why he/she said so.. what did i do to deserve such insults

I no longer going to inflict self-pain on myself and start appreciating the fact that God gave us goodness and joy. This does not mean that i will defend myself if someone if trying to hurt me because of the gospel. I would defend the Gospel even if it means killing myself.

I no longer going to depend on myself and my own way of trying to please God, but I'm going to start listening to Him and worship Him HIS OWN WAY

AMEN