Blessings upon blessings

I cannot praise God enough for what He had given me!

My faith, my salvation, my sight and hearing and the fellow sisters and brothers that I as a result of this faith!

I truly cannot praise Him enough!

For the past few weeks, God had been challenging PEmuda on the real importance of prayer. It all started from a very wonderful preaching from a certain man, and it truly had a great impact on many pemudaers. I can see visibly that people are much more passionate to pray - they are more willing and open when asked to pray, and the prayer culture in pemuda is gradually changing from routines to pleading God for His grace and mercy and acknowledging that only He is able to help us and that we NEED Him every hour. (this is so supercalifragilisticexpialidoscious - i cannot explain the joy that i have in my heart when i see this happening!!)

One concrete example that i can give is yesterday, on Wednesday (to be exact), we were meant to have Bible Study, but i cancelled it because i know that a lot of people cannot attend BS on that day, plus I haven't exactly prepared for it yet - so rather than aimlessly and forcefully try to do BS just for the sake of doing it, i've decided to take a break.

Gracefully, God had another plan - on tues night, i went out with fellow siss n bro for dinner and 2 of them are from my BS and they asked me regarding why i cancelled the BS. During the dinner, we were talking about our concerns for other people and how can we help these people, so one of my bs members asked me - "why don't we have prayer meeting tomorrow instead?". And suddenly it clicked!! the SWITCH clicked!! - WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT (pride as usual)!! waaaaaa

to be honest, i was ready to accept the worst from pemudaers because lately i've seen them joyless and unenergetic to serve God and to fight for His glory. I mercilessly and sinfully thought that they're a selfish individualistic bunch wanting only to serve themselves and not caring and grateful for what God has given them. (i know - exactly! i write this to remind myself of my sins so that i would learn from my own mistakes).

Anyway, i think God heard my grumbles and merciless comments and He had already planned how to rebuke me BIG TIME!

Hearing that my members asked me first to have prayer meeting instead - really gave me a great joy and assurance that God is still working in His people's heart! as i said before - i was ready to give up and take a hike from trying! (shows clearly how much i depended on God eh! and whom will i give the glory to if i do succeed)

Anyway, we did have prayer meeting on wed. There were 4 including me attended it, and we talked and discussed much about our Christian life. It was unplanned, unorganized, and unexpected!

I got to see the internal happenings of the ppl in pemuda, and how much they are slowly growing and being taught by the Holy Spirit in their walk with God. And most importantly, i am grateful and thankful that God gave me the heart willing to be sharpened and rebuked that day.

by listening to their stories and walk with God, I got to see my own sins - how "Pharisaic" I've become!

let me vividly explains my sinful heart- I thought that i was the only who truly cared for Pemuda, and the only one who wanted to serve His people in pemuda, and the only who truly cared about His glory in pemuda. (well maybe i'm exaggerating some but i know that ultimately this is what i was thinking). I knew that there are other godly mature Christians in pemuda who truly loved God, but i was not seeing them contributing to the faith of their fellow sisters and bros - they were going the way which they thought they needed for themselves to grow. I saw many mature and godly Christians burned out and i sinfully thought - "if their ministry was really from GOd - they SHOULDN'T be burnt out!". and i thought that i was the only "pious" and "understanding" one in pemuda.

I hope you won't hate me after reading what i've just wrote. I wrote it to articulate my sins so that i can repent from it! to be reminded the next time that i do it - that what i am doing is a sin!

Truly2 God revealed all that to me during the prayer meeting. He had shut my mouth that day to listen to my fellow sisters and be rebuked by their testimony and to learn from them. I felt like the disciples being taught by Jesus to "learn from little children - for theirs is the Kingdom of God".

i guess being in Bible college - slowly, gradually and unnoticably i began to think that i was more than i really am. And God is just a mask that I use to glorify my name, my reputation and to boost my self esteem.

I know that God sees all that. Even when i'm writing this, i know that if someone praised me for this post - i will somehow take that glory for myself rather than giving it to God.

God please make me to be humble

God please make me to see what Christ had given up when He came down to earth

God please make me to learn the cost that Jesus have to pay to be here

God please make me to see a glimpse of His suffering and humility

God please make me to be like Your Son

God please make me realized how much i really need You

God please make me be who You want me to be

There is nothing in me that desires any of these

There is nothing in me that wants to give any that i "have" away

There is nothing in me that can do any of these

Only You can give life to the living dead

Only You can give salvation to the deprived

Only You can know how to do the things that truly matters

God please make me do these all

Because there is nothing in me that desires to do it

And only You have the strength to do it

amen