Excuses! Excuses!

The one thing that i know i have to repent of is my language. It's not that i swear or anything (i do say words sometimes when i'm at a peak), but its more on my impatience and malice through words. You know, i realised that one can swear even without saying the actual swear word?

They can swear by thinking about hurting someone in their hearts or slandering someone by the words and tone that they used. it doesn't take a genius to see that i'm this kind of person. I do it so naturally too... it's like breathing... Even to the point that whatever i say is discouraging rather than encouraging and building up the church. 

And through all these, God never cease to remind me of my pride and sinfulness. He never cease to work in me - changing my old habit. But every so often, i do falll. I do make excuses for myself to keep on doing it. 

Take one example:

I something in reply for something that my friend sent to a group discussion board. when i wrote it, i didn't have any bad intention, rather i was trying to make a joke out of it. 

Then I got a reply - from someone else...

The answer was no good - it seems like what i wrote was not helpful.. it sounded like i was slandering rather than making a joke... 

Throughout this whole experience, for a while- i couldn't help being angry. Angry at that person who got discouraged. I was angry because that person didn't get my joke! I was not trying to slander anyone - i was just making a joke. 

I kept on making excuses to hate that person in my heart and love myself more. I thought that i was holier than that person because I - try to understand people before commenting and am not easy to anger. whereas, he is too quick to judge my statement as a slander. All these things going simultaneously in my brain - mostly bad negative sinful things.

Then a voice (sharp and  painful voice) said to me.. "By slandering that person in your heart and saying that that person is too quick to judge, doesn't that make you a slanderer? By hating that person secretly in you heart and exalting yourself - doesn't that make you worse than that person? What if what he said is genuinely from the heart not to slander you?"

I thank God for teaching me through His words - I thank Him that He would accept someone as ugly as me. Honestly, it wasn't easy to accept and listen to that voice. My whole being is compelling me to love me - to be content with who i am - to praise how perfect i am and how bad other people are - to LOVE ME. My whole being screams out in my heart - "LOVE ME - LOVE ME - other people had enough love - I don't - if I don't love myself then who wiill?"

pathetic aren't i? yes i am. and without the help of the Lord - who else can i cling to - what else can i do but keep on listeing to these voice of lies?

I pray - that all my pride will be taken away from me. I pray that God will keep me humble always and keep on reminding me of who i was before i knew Him. I pray that i would be humble enough to accept the fact that i am prideful. 

All of these is hard to do. And if there's an easy way out - i pray that God would not lead me there. I pray for a sure way out not an easy one. 

I pray that when i say i pray - i truly pray in Him - through Him and for Him. fully depending on Him. 

I pray that i will truly think twice before saying anything. To be quick to listen than to speak. To truly care and listen and understand the person i am speaking to. To use my mouth and whole being for the Glory of Him who made me.