Friends

I was just thinking about friends and friendship in general...

If you've been reading my blog for the past few years... you would've noticed that i talk about this topic a lot in the past... and it still is a topic that i think about once in a while.. you could say that this is one of my "hobby horses"...

i haven't thought about friends much lately - because God graciously taught me that friends denotes the status that we have with fellow bros n sis in Christ as merely someone who meets and chat about our daily stress/happiness in order to merely fulfill our free time/ to "lick one another's wound" to be frank..

Gratefully - for the past few weeks God gave me 2 very close friends... who will bluntly tell me of my wrongs and rebuke me lovingly and who are open too for my suggestions and rebuke. I really thank God for this blessing - even if this relationship will only last for a few weeks/months/years - i would still appreciate these two people as someone that i truly love as bro n sis in Christ.

What i love about this relationship that i have with them is that - there is no pretence. I no longer stopped by a barrier of trying to look good/nice/loving in front of these people... they know all my wrongs/weaknessess/strength and appreciated me for it and i too appreciate theirs...

but a few things have been happening lately... furthermore, the exams adds some fuel to the already burning fire... and that is jealousy...

i suppose that is one thing that we can never avoid in any relationship - sooner or later something will happen - and i'm not saying that it is for the worse - all of the time i know God puts it there for the better - but these things can break a bond or strengthen it.

Welll.. let me tell you one thing - ever since i was little, i'm very prone to be jealous... it's almost like a bad habit - an obsession even! If i'm not jealous i know that there's something wrong with me (see how obsessed i am with jealousy). but i know when entering a relationship I really2 have to pray to God to help me not to fall into this temptation..

anyway... the story goes like this -

since i don't like writing details - i'll just say that i was jealoous of an unhealthy relationship that a certain someone have with another certain someone.

I know that i'm being really2 stupid for being jealous of them - because i know that those kind of relationship will only leads to further pains and disappointments... but as i said - it's not like i can control it or prevent myself from feeling this way - but i can stop it.

Why am i taking such a long route to get to my point? I don't know...

But all these events made me think about friendships all the more. Jealousy as i said is part of being in a relationship. just like love and hatred and all the rest of it. but how do we handle jealousy?

For me, it's a matter of making things clear and asking rather than assuming. The next step that i will take will be, making my feelings known to each of the party involved, and accepting whatever answers that they will give me as reality and get on with it.

The only way to kill jealousy is to make the things we are jealous of to be a reality. it is more painful to assume that something is happening but not knowing whether it is true or not - and to add - be immersed in jealousy when all of these are happening. it is more relieving and encouraging and good for the heart and mind to make everything clear. Be not jealous of reality. because we cannot change reality and that's comforting - and NEVER be jealous of the things we assume - it's bad, unhelpful and it kills.

do you want to know what i was jealous of? it's a bit shameful to say but :

I was jealous that by using mean harsh words a friend could get so close to another friend. I was jealous that they were having so much fun because they can openly insult and say such mean things to one another. I wanted such fun but i know that God wouldn't allow me to be like that - that's why i was jealous. I was jealous of the fun they are having in their sins...

But please don't let me take all the glory. If ever when you read any of my post and think "She's so pure and holy" - let me tell you - i write all these things so that i can remind myself of my sins- that i am NOT holy or pure - i am dirtier than a rag.

But i have THE God who would use this dirty rag - made it clean and use it for His good purpose. The God who would send HIS Son to die for a rag like me - let ALL GLORY BE TO HIM!